Life can be difficult sometimes. Most likely you may have a friend around you who is going through a difficult season in their lives. You want to help, to do something, but what? Depending on the situation, helping can be tricky, right? You may be afraid of doing or saying the ‘wrong’ things – And then you end up doing nothing at all. Or maybe you feel like they are probably getting lots of help from other people already so yours may not be needed, right? Wrong. You can always help a friend in need! You can certainly offer care and understanding in real and tangible ways.
Here are some practical strategies:
1). Meet basic needs.
Remember that if you’re not sure how to help a friend in need, a good place to start is to care for a friend’s physical needs. When someone is going through a hard time, normal eating and sleeping patterns can be disrupted. Hand delivered warm meals, and some comforting treats can go a long way. As well, think about what your practical needs would be if you found yourself in your friend’s shoes. Finally, in certain circumstances, there is nothing more valuable than a friend by your side when you are struggling. Don’t minimize the significance of your physical presence especially when your friend is going through a loss.
2). Listen.
Often, when a person is hurting, they may lose perspective and feel abandoned. This is when we can nurture and encourage them with God’s gentleness. Being gentle with a friend can be very affirming. Allow your friend a safe space to share their feelings with you. Sometimes the best help is a listening ear.
Offer your time and don’t be afraid to use phrases like:
“I don’t understand, but I’m here.”
“I don’t pretend to understand what you’re going through, but I want to try. Help me understand how you are feeling.”
One of the greatest gifts you can offer your friends is your undivided attention (i.e., Ensure the cell phone is put away while talking with them!). Actively listening to your friend can make them feel acknowledged, accepted and loved. Silence can be precious as well – often just “holding space” is comforting and healing. Simply sit with your friend in their pain – no words needed, your presence speaks for itself.
3). Acknowledge feelings.
Tell your friend it is okay to be sad, to grieve, and to cry. Encourage your friend to be honest about their emotions. Allow your friend the opportunity to name the emotions they are feeling, to talk about them and unpack them without any sense that they are wrong and inappropriate. Try not to give advice. Let your friend acknowledge their feelings and tell them it’s okay to have no answers. Empathic connection during a difficult time doesn’t require special words or skills. Authentic caring and a desire to be present is enough on its own. If you are asked, make recommendations to counselling professionals who can address the issue(s) more directly.
4). Stay in touch.
Stay in touch with them – but let them know that it’s okay that they don’t have to respond right away. Be the friend who is still checking in a month, six months and a year later. Realize that some hurts take years to heal and leave permanent scars. Weeks, months, and years after losses, speak to the person about it, drop them a note, text them, or make a call. The fear that raising the loss with the person will upset them is a misplaced fear. In most cases, people will be glad to know that you are remembering them.
At Soma Counselling, we believe in the healing power of living authentically in community with others. We are passionate about strengthening relationships and facilitating the emotional, mental and spiritual development of each person and each friendship. The next time you’re talking with a friend or family member who has hit a rough patch, remember these simple things. Having someone journey with us can make a huge difference in how well we go through it.
